1/9/15 7:45pm

It’s the eve of Q2. In a way, school already started; I began reading for both courses about one week ago. But tomorrow is the big day when I go back to class after which there are “no tuition refunds,” and I can’t shake the feeling: a part of me doesn’t want to go.

I think I wish I felt more ready. Ready to redefine who I am professionally. Ready to articulate my work experience in meaningful and influential ways. Ready to talk about my interests and appropriate opportunities. Ready to sacrifice my free time again to be a student (it turns out I can full up my Saturdays pretty easily with other activities). These were all things I was going to figure out over break. To some extent, I did. But in many other ways, I’m still noodling.

I wish I had the benefit of a crystal ball. Something to reassure me, “Everything will be okay, Erika.” It’s hard to exist in the in-between. I’m fairly certain where I’ve been is not where I want to continue to go, but if not there, then what? Strangers, acquaintances, friends, and family want to know: What are you going to do with this?

Investing in a Master’s degree from Northwestern is no doubt a smart investment, one my wiser self believes is worthwhile. It’s no free pass to a job, though. I woke up one morning racked with worry about impending student loan payments and no better ability to pay them than I have now. Yikes.

The bottom line is, for me, this has to work, and it is up to me to make it happen. The MSC program gives me access to an advantaged network, innumerable resources, and challenging and relevant academic study. But I also have to do the work to articulate and develop my desired career path, and then I need to actively pursue it. That process will happen over time. In the meantime, and at certain times, I’m in the in-between. I need to give myself the permission to be there without losing the urgency that goes along with being in an intensive program.

For any given day where I worry, there is another where I feel lifted up. Although fall quarter already seems a long time ago, I remember feeling invigorated on class Saturdays. I’m quite sure the same effect will happen again tomorrow. And my gut tells me everything is going to be okay.